two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
