My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sext me about skeletons
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
