I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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