i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
