Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
