i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
