Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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