I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
