i permit you to call me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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