if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
