All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
