dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think your dad took our porno
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
