I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
And then the night went full on bisexual.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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