Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
