I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize