So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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