sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't deserve a penis
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
