He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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