No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
