I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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