I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
