I heard we made out
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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