her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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