I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
