dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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