: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
