Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
