Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
