is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you had me at cake vodka
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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