Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
