Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
