If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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