My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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