I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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