I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
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