im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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