I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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