At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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