shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
