You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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