Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
