I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
