remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
