I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
