No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
