I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
