i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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