then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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