Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
