It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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