There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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