Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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