from now on my penis is your penis
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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