Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
