I cut my penus on the lid.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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