Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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