He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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