Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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